


Non-Essential Activities

by RedLetterMistress



Category: Jay Bauman - Fandom, Red Letter Media
Genre: F/M, Quarantine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-02-23 11:30:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23377366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedLetterMistress/pseuds/RedLetterMistress
Summary: Four Days into the Wisconsin "Safer at Home" order, your roommate/ boss Jay Bauman suggests a friendly game to pass the time.
Relationships: Jay Bauman/Reader
Comments: 55
Kudos: 56
Collections: Red Letter Media Fanfic Quarantine Collection





	1. A Battle for the Ages

_"Macra-mania! All You Need to Know About Needleless Yarn Art:_ 44 minutes."

 _"Hypnotism: The Gateway to Satan's Influence:_ 18 minutes."

"Blank."

 _"Fresh vs. Frozen: The Definitive Guide to Nutritious Vegetables:_ 12 minutes"

"I could do this all day," Jay smirks confidently in his flannel pajama pants.

"Take it down a notch, Captain America," you quip back. "What's on the damn tape?"

" _Yoga for Curvy Women;_ 47 minutes," Jay reads from the VHS label.

"Oh that's great, Jay. That tape is probably the closest thing to sex you're going to have for the next two weeks."

"I've lived without sex before, you know."

"Yeah. I saw the _Prometheus_ review," you tease.

"You're hilarious. Totally unrelated: When do you move out?" Jay laughs.

"Whenever the quarantine is over. So like six years maybe?"

Jay rolls his eyes.

"Just kidding... about the sex stuff… I'm sure you've had **_tons_ ** of sex," you inject as you tap the Junka tower for a loose tape. "...just not with another person," you smile. You attempt to shake the image of him alone - naked and panting - out of your mind.

"Damn it! Yeah with another person," he balks. You try to ignore the thought of how he'd draw out his own pleasure if he was alone. How he'd look wrapping his calloused hand around his cock and moaning under his own touch. His desperate little whines reaching a crescendo as he climaxes across his stomach. 

You realize you're still tapping the tower aimlessly as you come back to your senses. Finally, you find a great option about halfway down and easily remove the VHS.

"BOOM!" you taunt and bring the tape to your pajama-clad crotch. "And **_that's_ ** how you finger something, Jay. You taking notes or should we get the cameras going for this?"

"Just read the fucking tape."

"Looks like _Chimney Safety in the Home and Workplace_ ; 22 minutes," you reply before sauntering over in your Cookie Cat pj pants and stacking the tape on the growing pile.

"Christ, how old is that tape? I don't think I've ever seen an office building with a fireplace," Jay puzzles.

"I think the guy from _A Christmas Carol_ had a fireplace in his office," you offer.

"Sounds like a really topical subject then- should we ever need to heat our office in a Dickensian novel," Jay answers as he searches for his own tape. 

"Do you ever use your fireplace?" you ask as you finish off your beer and motion over to the living room.

"Yeah, but just to burn the bodies of the previous interns who defied me," Jay claims as he searches the tower.

"Hardy har, sir. Quite hilarious, indeed," you joke in your best underling voice. "The spare bedroom you've supplied me sure does make up for the complete lack of pay, sir."

"You should call me 'sir' more often," Jay teases. Somehow even _that_ joke flies straight to your pants. It was a joke, right?

Jay taps a little too sternly and the tower wobbles on his kitchen table. You step behind him and whisper into his ear:

"You gotta ease into it, Jay. Just light touches at first. You don't want to **_come_** falling apart... too quickly," you whisper.

Jay raises an eyebrow in your direction. "I am trying to focus, intern." He finds the perfect option and taps it out just enough to grab the tape from the other side. "Do you want to get a better view of this? I know how much you love watching it slide in and out," he winks. 

"Subtle, Bauman. _Very_ Subtle." You try not to make it obvious that you're blushing.

"And what do we have here?" Jay says as he searches the VHS. " _Rigs and Radar Detectors: Gamblin' Joe's Guide to Avoiding Speed Traps_ ; 34 minutes." He stacks his tape with the others.

"Oh nice," you compliment. "I actually have _Gamblin' Joe's Guide to Moral Philosophy_ at home."

"He sounds well-rounded."

"You'd be surprised, yeah." You bend down over the table directly in front of him to try a tape at the bottom of the tower. 

"Speaking of well-rounded," Jay says to himself.

"I'm not as easily distracted as you are," you lie over your shoulder. You manage to get the tape out even as most of the blood in your head rushes downward.

" _Whooopsie! Your Guide to Child-led Potty Training_ ; 58 minutes," you read. You step over to the kitchen counter and place it on your stack. "Sorry… I just don't have a sexual innuendo for that one," you shrug. 

"Thank god," Jay laughs as he walks the short distance to the refrigerator and grabs two more Spotted Cows. He cracks both of them with the magnetic Half in the Bag opener on the front of the fridge. You can see his toned bicep peeking out from his black t-shirt and your mouth runs dry for a moment.

"Is that the last of the beer?" You inquire nervously. 

"Just from the fridge. I still have a few cases in the garage. Plus, in this state, liquor is considered 'essential,' so we can leave to get more if we need to," Jay explains. "Why? Don't think you can spend time with me without booze?" 

"No, I can. I just like how much more casual you are around me when you've had a beer or two," you answer. Jay raises an eyebrow as he considers this. You continue on: "Hasn't anyone ever told you that you're really professional, like, ALL the time?"

"I watch shitty movies and reference _Ghoulies_ for a living, there's no way I'm _that_ serious all the time."

"Bull. Shit. You're constantly creating something. Filming, editing, building, or sketching. I've seen you negotiate contacts and manage copyright claims. Real business shit. It's impressive." 

Jay shrugs dismissively.

"Plus, you were always professional with me."

"Yeah, but I had to be. It's not like I could have…" Jay's voice trails off and he quickly shoves his beer into his mouth and moves to the Junka tower.

"Could have what?" you ask; newly emboldened when your third beer meets your lips.

"You're the first female intern we've had and _now_ I know you're great but I didn't then. And you were going to be staying in my house. Then I met you and... It was just better to be safe," Jay explains with a sigh. The gears in your head start to slowly move.

Jay taps a few times and finds an excellent specimen near the top of the tower; removing it without issue. "Jesus Christ," he laughs. _"Septic Tank A-B-Cs_ ; 29 minutes."

"Ooo! Septic tanks! Well that is technically 'dirty talk,' Jay. Way sexier than potty training," you note.

Jay stacks his tape on his pile and leans against the counter.

"Unless you're into diaper play," he points out and clearly immediately regrets. 

"Oh my god, Jay Bauman! Tell me more about this diaper play fetish of yours!" you chuckle as you move closer and poke a finger into his ribs.

"Goddamn it, it's not **my** diaper play fetish!" he yells as he playfully smacks your hand away.

"No diaper porn for you, then?" you kid before taking another sip of courage.

"No diaper porn, no," he laughs. The ends of his mustache curl up at the ends. 

You step into Jay's personal space to set your beer down on the counter behind him. 

"So what kind of porn _do_ you enjoy?"

Jay's smile fades before his eyes begin to dart around the room, clearly looking for some way out of this. "I don't, uh…" his sharp face scrunches up adorably as he tries to think. "I don't think that's something I should talk about."

"You're no fun," you pout before moving back to the game.

"I'm fun!" Jay yelps. "It's not like you would talk about what kind of porn you watch."

"Kyle Mason. Anything he does," you reply as you begin your tape-tapping. "Smallish build, dirty blonde hair, expertly-trimmed beard. That man is basically a walking porno." You clear a VHS and read the spine.

"Oh how fitting! _Talk **Derby** to Me: 40 Years of Raised-Track Roller Derby; _ 42 minutes. This one could actually be fun," you chime. You finally look over to Jay and smile.

His face is three shades redder than it was a moment ago. 

"What? Was it the roller derby part or the porn part?" you ask innocently. Jay tries to clear his throat.

"The porn part," he answers.

You pass by him on the way to drop off your VHS on the counter.

"You're not my boss anymore, Jay. I'd think two _friends_ could talk freely to each other. Especially now that we're under quarantine. Unless you don't consider us friends."

"No. No, I definitely do," Jay insists. "I just didn't think that you'd be… Uh…" He takes a drink of his beer.

You smile at Jay and run your tongue across the bottom of your incisor. "That I'd be... interested in porn or that my favorite pornstar looks suspiciously similar to you?" 

Jay coughs violently into his Spotted Cow and struggles to get it under control. He punches at the front of his chest and the coughing finally subsides.

You move close enough to feel the heat pouring off of his body. His beautiful green eyes bore into yours and you both hold your breath.

"Your turn," you whisper.

Your eyes drift down to his bottom lip and it takes every fiber of your being to keep from kissing him.

"I… um... I like amateur videos," Jay confesses before licking his lips. "And… um… solo girl stuff…" he breathes.

"I meant your turn at _Junka_ , you pervy weirdo!" you blurt out before laughing hysterically. 

"Goddamn it!" Jay yells.

"I'm filing a complaint with HR!" you howl. 

"Great. Good. Wonderful," Jay shrugs playfully. "I'll let Rich know you're coming."

"Well I can't report anything **_now_** ," you explain. "Can't leave the house. Plus, I have to beat my _painfully_ oblivious former boss at a game of Junka."

Jay heads back to the tower and taps a VHS near the bottom. A bright smile cracks across his face before he looks up at you through his eyelashes.

“I'm not ‘oblivious,’ my dear former intern. Just _careful._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my second story in the Red Letter Media FanFic Quarantine Collection. I hope you like it so far! 
> 
> The _Cabin Fever_ Re:View came out yesterday and honest to God Jay's hair is so fucking sexy I can barely look at him. So yeah, there's gonna be smut in this fic.
> 
> Let me know what you think! (About this fic it about Jay's incredibly sexy hair... Either is good.)
> 
> Oh, and here is the porn version of Jay, Kyle Mason:  
>   
> 


	2. Distractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your Junka competition heats up.

_“New Gun Cleaning Methods!;_ 36 minutes.”

“Blank.”

 _“Make it Sew: How to Create Your Very Own Star Trek Uniform;_ 60 minutes.”

 _“Kickin' it with Jonathan Brandis;_ 54 minutes.”

“Who’s Jonathan Brandis?” you ask Jay deep into your fourth beer. 

“He’s the kid from _Ladybugs_ and _The Never Ending Story Part 2_ ,” Jay replies. He scratches his beard with one hand and tries to think of more. “Oh! Shit! He was in _It_ , too.”

You set your movie down on your pile and turn to watch Jay try to find his own tape.

“Wait, what movie?” you ask as you hide a smile.

“ _It._ He was in _It_ with Wil Whea...”

“What movie?”

“In _It_.”

“Why won’t you tell me what movie he was in?” 

“I AM! It’s Stephen King’s…” Jay finally looks up at your barely contained laughter. “Ooooooh, you’re joking.”

You laugh so loud you think you see the Junka tower shaking. 

“I learned from the best, Jay,” you tease. 

Jay finally finds a suitable tape and prods it away from the tower. 

“Did you _actually_ learn anything during your internship?” he asks on his way to the kitchen counter. He reaches under his shirt and scratches his small belly as he sets the tape on his pile. 

"I did!” you chirp with feigned offense. “I learned about lighting, editing, camera equipment, social media marketing, copyright ownership, and that you like to watch women masturbate on the internet. Pretty much everything I'd hoped to learn, sir," you smile.

Jay's face flashes pink, but he doesn't shy away. He sets his hand on the side of your face and looks proudly into your eyes.

"Then you've learned everything I have to teach you, Padawan."

The touch of his skin on yours is electric. You feel the edge of his rough thumb caress your cheek before he pulls his hand away. You try to hide your disappointment with a joke. 

“ _Phantom Menace_ references, Jay? You _are_ drunk!” you try. 

“From three and a half beers? No, not at all. I’ll crack open the Maker’s Mark if you want to get drunk.”

It sounds fun, but you don't want to have some some flumbling, sloppy fuck because you were both drunk and quarantined. 

"Nah, that's okay. Thanks."

You glance over to see him waiting patiently; leaning against the wall with his sculpted arms crossed over his chest. He looks like James Dean in flannel pjs and he’s so fucking handsome it’s annoying. God, you want to slap his perfect face. 

“Maybe we should play ‘Strip Junka’,” you suggest. 

You step up to the kitchen table and eye the remaining tapes. 

“And how would we even do that?" Jay laughs. "Take off clothing every time we successfully pull out a tape? Or only every time we make the tower fall?” 

“I hadn’t really thought out the logistics, Jay,” you answer as you roll your eyes. “Maybe I’m just angling for a shot at seeing you naked.” You start tapping tapes near the bottom of the tower and Jay moves to stand close behind you. 

“Or maybe you’re just trying to distract me by flirting so you can win,” Jay says. 

“You think I’m just flirting with you to win a Junka game?”

“I don’t know, are you?” Jay walks by you on your right as you find the perfect tape. You poke it delicately and slide it out to the other side of the tower. 

“I’m going to kick your ass at this, Jay. I don’t have to resort to cheap distractions,” you tell him. Your tape is nearly out when you look up to see Jay standing shirtless across from you. 

“Holy fuck!” you yelp. Your VHS falls out of your hand and comes crashing down to the table. The tower wobbles precariously. 

“Shit shit shit shit shitshitshitshit!” you scream as you see the Junka tower teeter back and forth. Jay’s laughter bounces off of the walls of the kitchen. He bends over at the waist, covering his mouth with both hands as he chuckles. 

The tower finally stops moving and you look angrily over at Jay. 

“What the hell?!?!” 

Jay points sternly at your nose and makes his best intimidating face. “This is war, intern!”

“You fucking dick! It almost fell!”

“ _Yeah_. I know. That was kind of the point,” he snickers. His mustache whiskers stick out straight from his lips as he tucks his smiling face into his chest.

You snatch your tape away from the table and throw it down on your stack. 

“Aw, come on! I thought you wanted to see me naked,” he needles. 

You turn around to yell at him, but are again caught off guard by the sight of his topless form. Jay’s chest looks quite broad on his smaller frame. Dark, curly hair covers his chest and winds down his abdomen. His gray boxers peek just above the waistband of his red and gray flannel pajama pants. A half dozen small moles on his arms and abdomen begged to be kissed. Your fingers literally itch at the thought of running down his body. 

“I was just surprised! Couldn’t care less, Jay. It’s your house; you can go without a shirt if you want.”

“I almost won the game! You’re damn right I’m going shirtless,” Jay laughs. He bites his lip and bounces rhythmically with his arms wide. Jay brings his elbows up and attempts something that looks vaguely like the Running Man dance. Your eyes go wide before a fit of giggling overtakes you.

“Oh man. Wow! I didn’t realize I was interning for Magic Mike this whole time.”

Jay changes up his dancing and stands in front of you with his hands on his hips. His head is bobbing like he’s in _Night at the Roxbury_.

“How on earth are you single?” you tease.

“These are truly strange times,” he answers with a wide smile. 

“It’s your turn for a tape, you asshole.”

Jay struts back to his kitchen table and you have to gnaw on your thumb to keep from pouncing on him. His skin is still winter-pale, giving him the appearance of being made out of marble. His shoulders taper down to his waist perfectly and his pants are slung so low you can see the two dimples of his lower back just peeking out above his boxers.

“Do you want a beer?” you ask; desperate to clear your head. 

“Yeah, I could go for another,” Jay replies before he grabs his current bottle and tips it up to finish it off. His bicep flexes as he takes the last gulp and sets his bottle on the counter. 

“You’re not going to come back topless are you?” he asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Why do you ask, Jay? Do you _want_ to see me topless?” you inquire as you grab a Spotted Cow from the fridge. You crack off the top and Jay watches as you walk back to the table.

“I just wanted to make sure that you aren’t stealing my ideas,” he answers. 

“Your little ploy was effective, Jay; I’ll grant you that,” you grab your bottle and clank your beer to his cheers. “But it was just a visual spectacle. All smoke and mirrors.” 

“Oh I see. Well I almost won, so I think it worked pretty well.”

You give him a small, unconcerned shrug.

“And how do _you_ plan to distract me then?” he asks.

“With the truth,” you say simply.

“Lame!” Jay laughs. He circles the Junka tower before stopping opposite of you. You lean forward to watch him biting his lower lip in concentration. “You gonna lay some tower-toppling _truth_ on me, intern?” he asks without so much a glance in your direction. 

“I’m not going to take my shirt off, Jay.”

“Yeah, I know, you said that al....”

“Because **you** are going to take it off of me.” 

Jay’s hand pauses next to the tower. 

“You’re going to come over here and kiss me. First just my lips and my neck. I’ll moan and whimper for you because it will feel so good. And you’re going to want to kiss and lick and suck on my breasts so much that **you** are going to take my shirt off.”

He still hasn’t tapped the tape. 

“Because you want me just as much as I want you. You want to know how my pussy would feel squeezing tight around your cock. You wonder about how loudly I’d cry out your name when you made me cum. You get hard dreaming about the sight of your dick fucking my mouth and my tits bouncing while I ride you. You fuck your own hand thinking of me crawling naked into your bed.”

Jay closes his eyes, but stays perfectly motionless; his finger still pointed straight out to his intended VHS. 

“But here’s the best part: I make myself cum twenty feet away from you _every… fucking... night_ thinking the same things about you. Wondering if you know how much I’d love to lick that cum off of your hand. Fantasizing about your teeth biting into my shoulder while you fuck me hard from behind. I get wet at the thought of you licking my cunt until I cry and the image of your white cum dripping out of me while you fuck me over and over and over again.”

Jay finally moves. Keeping both eyes closed shut, he steps away from the Junka tower. He perches himself on the edge of the kitchen table; his hands gripping the edge impossibly tight. 

You hear the tick of his wall clock beat ten times as he takes heavy breaths. 

"I… am… focused…" he breathes with his eyes clamped shut.

You walk around the table to stand next to him. You lean in close to his tight frame and speak softly.

"Focus all you want, Bauman. Just know that I've left the door to the shower unlocked every day, biting my tongue when my fingers bring me to the edge and praying that you would have the balls to come in and fuck me against the tile."

You see him shudder and draw his fists tight at his sides.

"...I need… to be safe…"

"Then wear a condom if you want. But you should know I've got a clean bill of health and an implant."

You lean in closer and breathe him in. You peer down to see his erect cock tenting his pajama pants.

"You know, with the quarantine, you could tie me up and cum in me for days if you wanted to."

Jay's body starts to tremble as his knuckles go white at his sides.

Your lips flick against his ear as you whisper to him: "And after you finish inside me, I'll say 'Thank you, _sir'_ ... **_every_ ** … **_single_ ** … **_time_ **."

Another five ticks of Jay's wall clock pass by. 

Jay's fist suddenly slams through the Junka tower. Dozens of VHS tapes scatter across the floor of the kitchen. 

"Yaaaay! I win!" you cheer as you jump up and down.

Jay's eyes bore into yours.

"You said all of that JUST SO YOU COULD WIN?!?" he yells.

"No!” you laugh. “Everything I said is true, Jay. But I'm also really excited that I won!"

Jay's hands shoot up to his temples and he pulls at his hair. "Get on the table!" he growls.

"What? Like now?”

Jay swipes the table clear of the remaining VHS tapes with his right arm. He bows down and wraps both arms around your hips; pulling you straight up and then dropping you on the edge of the table. Jay reaches around your left knee and opens your legs wide enough to step between them. He moves swiftly to press his lips to yours, but stops short.

“Can I kiss you?”

“Are you shitting me, Bauman!? After all of that?!”

“I want to make sure tha....”

“OH MY GOD!” you scream. “I don’t know how much more enthusiastic my consent can get, but if you don’t kiss me right fucking now, I might murder you.” 

Jay looks into your eyes and his shoulders fall. He lets go of your knee and steps back. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I can’t do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun Duuuuuuun! A cliffhanger! I'm updating every other day during this quarantine, so you won't have to wait long for the next chapter. 
> 
> Hope you like the story so far! Let me know what you think below or on my [tumblr](https://rlmfanfic.tumblr.com/).


	3. What Are You Talking About?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which you find out what the hell that was all about.

Jay backs away from you and walks towards his bedroom. You hear the door shut behind him as you slide off of the edge of the table. Cold and alone in the middle of a bunch of broken VHS tapes is not particularly where you saw yourself even a minute ago. 

You decide to give him some time to cool off. Or to cheer up. Or whatever the hell he needs to do. You gather up all of the scattered VHS’s and pack them back in the big box from the RLM office. Mike and his girlfriend took the other box to their house. You bet their game turned out better than yours. They're probably banging in their Star Fleet uniforms by now. 

After ten minutes, you finally walk down the hallway and knock on his bedroom. He doesn’t exactly invite you in, but he also doesn’t tell you to leave when you open the door. Jay’s sitting in his high-back leather chair in the corner, still shirtless, with his hands balled up together under his nose and his jaw clenched tight. You try not to overstep any more than you already have and stay in the doorway. 

“I’m sorry, Jay. I didn’t mean to push you so much and make you uncomfortable,” you apologize. “I know you want to be safe and sleeping with an intern, or even a former intern, puts you and the company you worked really hard to build in a dangerous position." 

"What?" he asks exasperated.

"I know you took a risk bringing me on as an intern, and I shouldn’t have put you in that position," you explain as you point towards the kitchen. "I just wanted you to know I would never do anything to hurt your business." Jay pulls his hands away from his face.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"That you think I’ll do something to get you in trouble. You're so obsessed with 'being safe.' Like you're afraid that I'll accuse you of being Milwaukee’s own Harvey Weinstein."

"I don't think…" he starts.

"But I'd never do that!" you cut in.

"I know you wouldn't! Jay yells.

"Oh!” you jump. “Well then what the **fuck** , Bauman?!"

Jay's palm slaps against his chest.

 _"_ ** _Me!_ ** I want to keep _ME_ safe!" he yells. "I don't want to fall in love with a girl who's only around me because leaving the house might literally kill her!"

You stand there like a deer in headlights for what feels like a solid minute. You try shaking the sense back into your brain. 

"Wha? Bu...but I _like_ being here, Jay. I was having a lot of fun just now before everything went to shit. I authentically enjoy being around you all the time."

"That's part of the problem!”

Jay stands up in front of his chair and faces you. “I like being with you, too. I like eating microwave popcorn and laughing at _Munchies_ and _Death Race 5_ on the couch with you. I like that you always make sure the BooBerry is wrapped up tight when you put it back in the pantry. I like your cheesy-ass Taco Tuesday dinners and how good my house smells now. I like waking up knowing that you're down the hall.”

"Then what's the problem?"

“I like it all _too much!_ The second the governor lifts the quarantine, you're gone. We're not even dating and I'm going to be fucking miserable when you leave!” he confesses. “I'm just… _fuck…_ I’m just trying to be safe and save myself from some of that pain.” He looks away from you as his shoulders sink.

 ** _"That's_ ** it? You don't want to be with me because you think I'll just run away from you as soon as I can? Good god, Jay!"

You turn on your heel and walk directly to your room. You grab the top piece of paper off of your dresser and head straight back to Jay. His hands are slowly dragging down his bearded cheeks with his eyes focused on the ceiling when you throw the paper at him. He doesn't bother to try to catch it and it falls to the ground by the foot of his bed.

“Read it.”

“It doesn’t matter what this says, you’re still…” 

“I got an apartment in Milwaukee, you fucking jackass!” 

Jay turns to look at you, but his hands stay on his face like a slightly larger, bearded version of Macaulay Culkin in _Home Alone._

“Wait, what?"

"An _apartment_. It's like a house, but smaller and shittier, and you pay rent instead of a mortgage." 

Jay dives down, grabs the paper off of the floor and tries to make sense of it.

"You’re going to stay here? Why?”

“I got a job as a video producer at a nonprofit over by Schlitz Park. I’m going to make videos that help people get donations to build houses and feed kids; after-school programs, mentorship stuff. It looks really great.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” 

“Because I only found out yesterday! I haven’t even told my family!”

“But what about your apartment?”

“I was going to go home and take a few weeks to pack my stuff up and say goodbye to everyone, but that all got ruined with this Covid crap. So now I honestly have no idea when I start working or even when I can move in."

"So... you're... staying?" 

"Aaarruuurrrrgh!" you scream as your hands contort into frustrated talons. "Yeeeeeeessssss!!"

Jay's green eyes dart back and forth as he tries to process this information.

"...and you like me?" he asks hopefully.

"Are you fucking kiddin... EERRrr...grddam… PprfI… FUrk.." You're too flummoxed to even get a sentence out. 

You close your eyes and take a calming breath to center yourself. 

"I'm going to strangle you."

You finally look to Jay and see him about to bite through his own lip. His eyes dash from your face to the floor to the ceiling and back. He looks like he's liable to shatter. You decide to take pity on the poor, beautiful idiot.

"Of course I do, Jay. I'm not going anywhere - I **literally can't** go anywhere, actually," you chuckle. “You're weird and frustrating as hell and smart and amazing and I like you very much.” Jay’s shoulders roll back and he stands up straight again; a crooked grin peeks out from under his golden mustache. 

You take another deep breath and blow it out through your nose. "But if you don't get your half-naked ass over here right now and kiss me, not only will I kill you, I'll give you the full Carradine treatment after you're dead."

Jay bursts into laughter, hiding his smile behind your letter. He takes three steps towards you and gently cups the side of your face. He tilts his head and smiles like a man unburdened.

"Will you put that on my tombstone? _'Jay Bauman: Schlock Filmmaker - Died While Masturbating'_?" he teases as your rental agreement falls forgotten to the floor. His deep green eyes wrinkle at the corners as he gazes at your lips. 

"No!" you scoff. You search his face for some last bit of trepidation, but there's none to be found. You lean into his touch and relish the feel of his rough hands on your skin. 

"I'm actually going to have the crime scene photos turned into a monument. Maybe add a plaque with something poetic like, _'He died doing what he loved… choking himself while furiously masturbating.'_ It'll be your legacy, Jay."

His overbite is in its full glory as he grins wide. He runs his thumb across your bottom lip and you hold your breath. 

"Well I guess I should probably try to avoid that legacy," he says barely above a whisper. His hand combs through your hair and wraps around the nape of your neck. He pulls your head forward and _finally_ presses his lips to yours. 

Your arms reach around his waist and cross cross behind him. You feel the broad muscles of his back move under your palms as his left hand reaches to rest on your hip. 

Kissing him feels like breathing. His tongue glides over your bottom lip and you open yourself to him. Heat spreads like wildfire across your body as he deepens the kiss. You open your eyes a sliver to watch his jawline move as he devours you whole. The hoppy taste of Spotted Cow still clings to his lips and his bristly mustache pokes your nose in several places; it’s perfect. 

His fingers sink into the meat above your hip and you moan into his mouth when he pulls you closer. A hard jab to your thigh shakes you from your reverie. 

You look down to see Jay’s erection barely contained by his flimsy pajama pants. 

Jay’s face scrunches up with embarrassment. 

“Ummm….sorry?” he apologizes. 

You shake your head with a tsk and flash him a reassuring smile. Your hands smooth down his bare back and you leave one perched just above his ass. You take a moment to thread the fingers of your other hand through the hair on his chest. 

“Two more weeks alone, huh?” You scratch down over his nipple, past his abdomen, and slip easily into his boxers. Your hand wraps around his velvety-smooth cock and his mouth falls open with a deep moan. You pump against him just once, drawing his lower lip into your mouth as he unravels under your touch. You pull your face away with a delightful, wet pop. 

“Whatever will we do to pass the time?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta get the angst in there! You just gotta! 
> 
> I hope you liked the chapter. Strangely, the smut wound up more in chapter 2 than chapter 3. But we're just getting started! 
> 
> Please add a comment below or stop by my [tumblr](https://rlmfanfic.tumblr.com/).


	4. Nothing Can Stop This Trash Train

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, Tumblr or no, here's the next chapter of this smutty little adventure.

"I've actually been thinking about that a lot lately," Jay says breathlessly.

"Really now?" You reach down further to gently roll his testicles in the palm of your hand. Jay’s eyes seal shut as he moans. "How long have you been thinking about it?"

"Uhhmm… I uh… fuuuuck."

"Are you having a hard time thinking clearly?" 

"Uhm... _fuck.._. Yeah."

You keep your languid pace, gently massaging his balls with your right hand as your left reaches down to join in. You make an O with your thumb and index finger and slide your hand over the tip of his cock. Jay’s mouth gapes open and his little groans start a fire deep in your belly. Jay jolts forward as the O of your left hand slips over the head of his cock. 

"Pretty sensitive there?” you ask sweetly. 

Jay’s mouth stays open, but he does manage to nod his head in the affirmative. You wrap the rest of your fingers around his shaft and draw them down against this body.

“I’ll try to remember that…” you flick the tip of your tongue up over his bottom lip. “...for later.”

Jay stills your hands before he licks the taste of you off of his lip.

“Yes... _later_ ,” he emphasizes before opening his eyes again. “Because right now, I have a prophecy to fulfill.” He pulls your hands up out of his pajama pants to rest gently against his bare chest. He reaches up under the back of your shirt and hikes it up near the bottom of your bra. You lift your arms straight up and Jay yanks your shirt up over your head and tosses it on the floor. 

“Just like I said you would,” you taunt him lightly as you wrap your arms around his neck. Jay runs his hands down from your elbows to your ribs and you squirm at the ticklish feeling.

“Well…. _almost_ like you said I would,” he quips. “I don’t recall you mentioning this part.” Jay leans down and throws his arm around your body just under your hips. He pulls you up high enough to place his other arm under your knees and lifts you up to his chest in a full bridal-carry.

"Holy shit!" you laugh brightly. "And here I thought those were just glamour muscles."

"Nope," he chuckles before looking down at you in his arms. "I was secretly a badass this whole time." 

You pull yourself up with your hold around Jay's shoulders and plant a kiss to his lips. He holds you closer as he walks a few steps to the side of his mattress. He bends down and lays you out across the navy blue comforter. Jay stands up again and appreciates the sight of you, topless, in his bed.

"You have no idea how much I've wanted to do this," Jay confesses barely above a whisper. Your cheeks flash pink as you sit up just far enough to unhook your bra. You toss it on the floor before stretching your arms above your head and wrapping your fingers around the top of Jay's gray headboard. Your back arches up toward him invitingly as you spread your legs for him.

"Why don't you show me?" you breathe.

Jay climbs into bed on top of you and holds himself up by his elbows as he kisses up your body. He stills near your chest; running his tongue over the mound of your right breast. His left hand continues to coast up and down your side.

Jay draws your breast into his mouth and twirls his tongue around your nipple. A shiver runs down your spine before you reach down and lace your fingers through his hair. 

The weight of his solid frame on top of you unleashes something instinctual; your hips grind against him wantonly as you wrap your legs around his waist. 

Jay moves further up, laving your neck with kisses. His hard cock aligns with your center and your brain short-circuits. You pull his face up to yours and pant desperately into his mouth. 

His free hand cups your breast before rolling your nipple between his thumb and index finger. Your nails dig into his scalp as you moan his name. 

Jay shifts his pelvis away from you just enough to reach down the front of your pajama pants. His first two fingers part your folds and glide across your clit. You bite into his bottom lip as your hips buck against his hand. Jay shivers as he delves his fingers inside of your very wet cunt. The palm of his hand puts an exquisite pressure on your swelling clit as his fingers continue to slowly plunge inside your depths.

"Fuck! You feel so good," you gasp. Jay's eyes open and he smiles against your cheek. You feel his mustache tickle the side of your face. His fingers curl up towards your belly button and you feel like you could explode.

"So do you," he purrs back. 

Your back arches off of his bed as the tension begins to coil in your belly. Jay moves back on further, bending down to lick and suckle at your breast. 

Jay moves his hands to take a hold of your pajama bottoms and sits up on his ankles.

"Can I take these off?" he asks with an adorable smirk.

"I don't know," you smile. "I was able to seduce you with those Cookie Cat pjs. They might be my best feature." 

Jay chuckles and tucks his chin down to his chest and laughs.

"I am 1000% sure those pants are not your best feature."

You reach down and hold your pjs at your hips.

"You go first," you tease.

Jay laughs into his shoulder and shakes his head. You remain resolute; locking your flimsy pajama pants in place.

"Seriously?" he chuckles.

"Yep. Pants off, Mister."

Jay rolls his eyes and scoffs at your demand, but crawls off of the mattress and stands next to his bed. You roll into your stomach and sit your head on your hands; kicking your lower legs like an excited, lovesick teenager.

You watch with bated breath as he pulls his flannel pants off of his hips. Jay's hard cock bounces freely inches away from your face. Light gleams off of a perfect bead of cum at the tip of his cock. You move to sit on the edge of Jay's bed and your mouth waters. 

"It's your tu…' Jay starts before you wrap your hand around his thick cock. You lean forward and run the flat of your tongue across his slit, moaning at the salty taste of him.

"Holy fuck!" Jay growls. He bares his teeth before his legs threaten to give out.

"You're right, Jay," you answer in a low voice. "It's my turn." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying this so far! I've been a little distracted with Tumblr deleting my account, so this chapter is a little shorter. I promise the next chapter will be longer! And smuttier!
> 
> As I currently don't have a tumblr, please let me know what you think in the comments below! Next chapter is on Monday!


	5. Real Amateur Girls Near You!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's always nice to say 'please.'

You lay back enough to pull your pants and panties off; tossing them on the ground near Jay’s. He bends down to kiss you but you place your open hand on his bare chest to stop him. 

“It’s still my turn,” you smile up at him.

Jay stands up straight again; completely naked and quite confused.

You back away from him at the edge of his mattress and crawl up to sit near his gray upholstered headboard. 

“Do you want me all the way up there?” Jay asks.

“I want you everywhere, actually,” you answer with a smirk. “But for now, I need your help.”

Jay’s head cocks adorably as he tries to think.

You place your hands on the inside of your knees before you spread your bare legs. Jay’s cock twitches at the sight of your pussy on display for him. 

“I’m already amateur,” you smile. “But I haven’t seen much ‘solo girl’ stuff and I’d like to get it right for you.”

“You, uh... _fuck_ ... don’t have t... _wow_...” Jay starts. You reach down to run two fingers over your clit and Jay abandons his train of thought all together. 

“What do I do?” you purr. Jay’s eyes are focused keenly between your open legs. 

“Whatever the fuck you want, you’re fucking perfect.”

You tuck your face into your shoulder for a moment as you hide your smile. You look back to Jay with a fresh tinge of red on your cheeks.

“Well thanks. That’s very nice of you to say. But I mean what _do you want_ me to do?" 

Jay is too stunned to form much of a thought, but manages half of one: "What you do… when…" 

His cock looks almost painfully erect now; precum gathering at the tip. You decide to help his thought along.

"What I do... _when I'm alone_?" 

Jay simply grunts in the affirmative and wets his lips as your fingers run slow circles over your clit.

"You can touch yourself, too," you suggest. "I'd love to watch you."

Jay nods once and takes himself in hand. You moan softly at the sight of his flexing forearm as he begins to slowly pump against his cock.

Jay rests one knee on the edge of the bed and moves to kneel on the mattress just a few feet away from your open legs. He keeps a slow rhythm, gripping his cock tight as he gazes intently at your wet pussy.

Your slick fingers roam up and down your cunt, massaging your clit and then gliding down to tease your entrance. Jay sucks his bottom lip into his mouth and bites down hard.

"Inside," he groans. "Can you… um... _inside_. Please."

You smile at him saying ‘please’ and reach down further to slip two fingers inside of your wet entrance. Jay growls and increases his pace as your slick threatens to drip onto his comforter. Your free hand goes to your breast; kneading it roughly and whimpering under your breath.

"You are so fucking beautiful," he pants. Your tongue rolls over your canine in a wicked smile.

"I always imagine it's your mouth on me when I do this," you tell him as you draw tight circles over your clit. Your hips roll against your hand invitingly and Jay leans down to plant a kiss to the inside of your knee. He watches you spread your pink lips open with two fingers and he exhales deeply against your skin. 

"Do you want to taste?" you ask with a moan. Jay's hand pauses at the base of his cock before he looks up to your face.

"Yes," he replies before swallowing hard. "Please."

"You’re so polite!" you giggle. "Are you this well-mannered when you eat pussy?"

"Only one way to find out," Jay remarks with a crooked grin. You lean back to give Jay a better angle and he immediately licks up the full length of your cunt. He finds your clit between your spread fingers and draws it into his mouth. Your head falls back against Jay's headboard. The intense sensation of Jay's tongue when he suckles on your sensitive bud threatens to break you in half. 

“Holy fuck!” you yelp. You feel Jay’s throaty laugh against your clit and stars shoot behind your eyes. “Fuck, that feels amazing.”

Jay changes his approach; quickly flicking his tongue across your clit before slowly licking the flat of his tongue over your increasingly slippery center. You feel calloused fingers circling your entrance before Jay wraps his other arm around your thigh; pulling your cunt firmly into his face.

“Do you think you can cum for me like this?” Jay asks as he eases two rough digits into you. Your hips buck at the delicious stretch and you grip your heaving breast tight. You try to say yes, but then he starts back at your clit and all you can do is scream. Jay curls his fingers up toward your belly button and he holds you tight as you writhe under his touch. 

“It’s just that I’ve wanted you for a long time,” he confesses. He sucks your clit into his mouth again and massages it gently with his lips. Jay teases you with his tongue before continuing the thought: “And I don’t think I’m going to be able to last very long if I fuck you right now.” His word sends a shiver down your spine.

“Look at me,” he instructs. You sit up enough to see his face. His pupils have blown wide, making his green eyes much darker. Your slick coats his lips and mustache. He watches you intensely as he slides a third finger into your pussy. Your eyes threaten to close and he growls them back open. 

“ _Look at me_.”

His hand quickens, squelching obscenely each time he pumps his fingers inside of you. Your mouth gapes open wide as your pant. 

“Can you cum for me?” he asks sternly. His eyes bore into yours. 

“Fuck!” you gasp as your hips roll against his hand. “Yess,” you cry.

Jay’s front teeth cut into this bottom lip as he smiles. “Good, girl.”

His praise barely hits your ears before his mouth is back on your swollen clit. He laps his tongue against you swiftly as he continues the relentless rhythm of his hand. Your toes curl against his comforter and your back arches off of his bed. Your left hand reaches up to grasp the headboard as your shrieks of ecstasy get louder.

“Fuck you feel so fucking good!” you roar. “I’m going to cum! Please don’t sto...” Your tiny cries are cut off as you near the edge. Jay’s mouth wraps around your clit and he sucks sharply; flicking his tongue against you between his lips. The sensation is like nothing you’ve ever felt. Like your entire being has been reduced to one, exquisite point of pleasure; scorching and incandescent. Your vision blurs to white as your body shatters. Tears form in the corner of your eyes as you scream. Jay drags out your orgasm further, petting your g-spot with his strong fingers and lapping mercilessly at your clit. Your body begins to flail and your cunt clamps down around his slick fingers, but Jay holds you in place. 

“Fuuuuuuuck! I can’t take anymore!” you sob. “Fuck me. Please fuck me.”

Jay pulls his face away from your dripping pussy and wipes his face off on his forearm. He crawls up your body and you feel his stiff manhood nudge your center. You wrap one leg around Jay’s waist and he reaches down and teases your pussy with his tip. His precum mixes with your slick as he circles your clit. It’s as pleasurable as it is maddening. Your hips roll towards him desperately. You crane your neck and place a kiss to his lips, whimpering into his mouth. 

“Please, Jay! Please fuck me,” you beg as you wrap your arms around his shoulders. You feel Jay’s body shiver between your legs. He guides his hard cock to your entrance and sheaths himself fully inside of your quivering cunt.

“Fuck!” he moans. “I think you’re still… goddamn…” 

You grab his face and try to make sense of what he’s saying. He sees your concern and smiles reassuringly. “You’re… _shit…_ I can feel you squeezing my cock,” he breathes before biting at your earlobe. “You… _fuuuuck…_ you feel so fucking good.” 

You reach down and grab a hand full of Jay’s bare ass; grinding your hips against his and bringing him even deeper. He pulls away slowly before snapping back into you with force. He growls into your neck like an animal. 

“I don’t know how much of you I can take,” he confesses against your skin. He rolls into you at a languid pace and you trail your hands over every inch of his body. “You’re fucking perfect,” he pants. Your nails dig into his sweaty scalp as you pull his head away and look into his eyes. 

“I want you to cum in me,” you cry as you cup the side of his face. “Please, Jay. You feel so fucking good. Please cum in me.” His eyes go black with lust and he cuts you off with a harsh kiss. He sits back and guides your legs up toward your chest. Jay holds himself up by his hands near your shoulders and the backs of your knees rest on his biceps. His cock glides unaided back into your dripping pussy. 

“You’re so wet for me,” Jay praises. “So fucking sexy.” The new angle brings him impossibly deep. His heavy testicles slap your ass each time his hips pound into you. You hold on tight to the back of his neck.

“Don’t stop! Please don’t stop” you plead against his mouth. “Fuck me hard and cum in me!"

"Shit," he growls. His well-kept hair comes loose and hangs down from his forehead. "If you keep talking like that, I won't last much longer."

You reach up and comb Jay's hair away from his face. "I'm going to fuck you all day..." you smile. "...but right now, I want you to fucking cum for me."

Jay's ferocious rhythm falters as he nears his peak. 

“Oh fuck! Fuck, I’m gonna cum,” he groans. You grab the back of his ass and pull him tight. Your scalp knocks against the headboard as Jay savagely pounds into your pussy. He bares his teeth and comes undone with a feral roar. Ropes of white cum fill you to the brim. Jay’s hips continue to move of their own accord; his cock drawing his cum out of your pussy and onto the sheets. 

He lets your legs down and reaches up to cup your face. Jay presses his lips to yours and you open your mouth to taste him. His tongue rolls over yours, delving deeper as his cock softens inside of you. 

“You’re so fucking perfect,” he whispers. “I really wanted to last longer than that. Sorry.” Jay rolls off of you to lay on his back. His sticky, half-hard cock bobs as he gets himself situated.

“Why would you be sorry?” you laugh as you curl up under Jay’s arm. You try to get your breathing under control. “We can’t leave the house for another two weeks _at minimum_. You’ve got plenty of time to demonstrate your sexual prowess,” you giggle. 

"Give me ten minutes," Jay offers.

"You've got five!" 

“You might literally be the death of me,” he laughs. You can hear his solid heartbeat thrumming through his chest as his breathing calms. You run your fingers through the dark hair in his abdomen and breathe in his deodorant. Whatever he wears, it's fucking amazing. Jay kisses the top of your head and holds you close.

“Do you fuck all of your interns?” you ask innocently.

“Every intern before you was a guy," Jay responds as he runs a hand through the sweaty hair near his temples.

"That doesn't mean you didn't fuck them," you reason.

"For the life of Christ, I'm not gay," he chuckles breathlessly.

"Cause if you were gay, I'm sure you'd have married Mike years ago," you tease.

"Exactly! And we would make movies together and breed teacup Yorkies, obviously."

"That’s kind of a shame,” you reply. “You'd have been very happy with him."

"I'm pretty happy where I am," Jay beams as he runs his fingers through your hair. 

“Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another entry in the RLM Fanfic Quarantine Challenge in the books and one more chapter to go!
> 
> I'd share the link to my tumblr, but the powers that be still haven't gotten back to me on if they'll reinstate my blog or not. Until then, you can always comment below or email me at redlettermistress@gmail.com
> 
> ALSO: What do you think so far? I hope you liked the chapter! I think my next one will be an epilogue, but I might have another real chapter or two left in me. Let me know what you think!


	6. Junka 2.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five Days Later.
> 
> Part last chapter, part epilogue, mostly smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also wanted to note that this story was based on a reader request. I look a lot of liberty with the plot, though. I hope that's okay, dear Anon.

Jay's right hand grips your hair tight before his teeth sink again into your neck. His left hand is on your hip; his thumb digging into your flesh as he guides your movements. 

"Fuck, I love it when you ride me like this," he moans.

You grind your pelvis into him; holding on to the back of the couch to get the perfect angle. He reaches to grab your breast and bites down hard near your nipple.

"Goddamn, you feel fucking amazing," you pant. Jay's green eyes look up into yours as he sucks on your right breast. "Making me cum all over that perfect cock.” You tug at his hair from both sides as he licks and mouths your breast. “Are you gonna cum in me?"

"Babe. This the fourth.. _fuck._.. the fifth time today. I don't even know if I **can** cum again. Like ever."

"I think you can," you breathe. You pull your hips up tantalizing slowly until you feel the head of Jay's cock at your entrance. You ease back down, enjoying Jay’s deep groan as you meet his hips again.

"Goddamn it, you know me too well."

"You might be shooting blanks at this point, Bauman, but I still want all of it." You plant a sloppy kiss to his lips and grind against him.

"Fuck…" he growls. "Get your knees," he instructs.

You hop up off of his lap and assume Jay's favorite “guaranteed to cum” position on the floor. Your hands rest on his black and white chevron carpet and you stick your naked ass out in invitation. The proof of Jay's last orgasm drips down to your thighs. 

"It's going to be really hard," he warns. "You okay with that?"

“Your dick or the sex?” you laugh.

“Both, actually,” Jay smiles. 

"I'll believe it when I feel it," you tease. 

Jay kneels behind you and grabs your hips tight. His cock slides in easily and he starts a punishing rhythm into you. His balls slap against your clit each time he thrusts into your obscenely wet pussy.

"Fuck, you take my cock so fucking good," he praises. Jay brings one leg up, placing his foot by your left knee to pound into you harder. He slams into you a dozen times more, grunting his effort.

"I'm gonna cum," he says between gritted teeth.

You cross your ankles to increase the pressure and your toes immediately curl.

"Me, too," you reply. "Just a little more!"

Jay reaches down to rub your clit as he pounds into you. 

"Fuck! Fuck! Goddamn! I'm…. _fuck…_ don't stop!" you scream.

Your pussy clamps down on his cock as your orgasm takes over. Jay manages two more thrusts before he climaxes. His hands dig sharply into your hips as he buries himself as deep as he can. He collapses on the carpet next to you with an exhausted groan. 

“Fuck! How do you fucking do this to me?” he pants. 

“What do you mean "to you"? I’m the one covered in cum and bruises,” you giggle. “You wont even let me give you a hickey.”

“I would love to have you do that, babe. But I have to make a video today,” Jay explains. “Oh shit, what time is it?!” Jay jolts up and runs to his phone. 

“Fuck! I’m supposed to be at the studio in ten minutes!” He grabs his boxers and pajama pants off of the floor and hops into them as quickly as possible. He throws his black t-shirt on and runs to get a pair of socks from the laundry.

“You can make it,” you assure him lazily from the carpet. 

“If I leave like this, I’ll smell like five days worth of jizz and pussy with ‘I just got fucked’ hair,” Jay explains as he looks in the hallway mirror. His hair sticks out wildly in three places and his bangs hang down into his eyes. 

“So? Wash your balls in the sink at work. I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time," you laugh. "And I think the audience would love your ‘I just got fucked’ hair. I worked really hard on that for you,” you tease. 

Jay looks himself over closely and a smile cracks across his face. “It is kind of funny, actually,” he chuckles. “I look stir-crazy - It could work for the bit.”

You stand up naked in the living room and stretch your arms up above your head. Jay walks to you and wraps his arms around your waist. He places a sweet kiss to your lips and smiles. 

“Are you going to stay naked all day?” he asks. 

“I’d love to. But my paramour is leaving me to go film himself talking about a terrible direct-to-Amazon movie with his husband for the next ten hours.”

“ _Verotika_ had a BluRay release, babe” Jay informs you brightly. You roll your eyes in response. “And I’ll only be like three hours. I promise.”

“I _guess_ that’s okay,” you pout. You’re secretly really looking forward to a good shower: Jay’s cum is running down to your knees. “But you gotta take a tape before you go! I wanna know what I have to look forward to this evening.”

“I’m going to have to get a bag of ice for my cock if we keep this up,” he laughs. 

“OOOoooh! That actually might be really fun! Just like boning Mr. Freeze!”

“Christ, woman!”

You nuzzle your nose against his and look into his sparkling green eyes. “It’s your turn, Jay. Go pull a tape.”

“Okay, okay. But then I gotta go,” he replies with a kiss. 

Jay grabs his Lightning Fast jacket off of the back of one of the kitchen chairs and shucks it on as fast as he can. He pokes at the new Junka pile for a loose tape. He finds a suitable option near the top of the tower. Jay grabs the tape from the opposite side and slides it out. 

This tape, like all the others, has a new label attached; handwritten in sloppy letters with one of Jay’s fine-tipped markers. 

“ ** _Interesting,_** ” he says with a mischievous grin. 

“What?” you ask as you try to wrestle the tape from him. “What did you get?”

Jay flashes a huge smile and points to the white label. 

“Anal,” he reads. "Just 'anal.'" He starts to chuckle immediately and hides his smile behind his hand. “We don’t have to, babe. I just thought it was funny.”

“No, no! I think that would be great!” you reply with excitement. You grab the VHS tape and set it on the tall stack on the counter. The tapes are all labeled with names like "Reverse Cowgirl," "Lotus," "Pile Driver," "Wheelbarrow," and "Stairmaster."

“Wait. Are… are you _serious_?” he asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Absolutely!” you chirp. “I’m really glad you put that tape in. It’s sexy to have you ask for exactly what you want.”

“Wow. Okay. Yeah. That sounds good. Sure. Yeah,” Jay rambles. “I’m definitely going to look forward to tonight, then.”

You kiss him lightly on the cheek before turning towards the bathroom for your shower. Jay grabs his keys from the hook in the kitchen and makes his way to the front door. 

“Oh wait!” you call to him. You place a hand on the wall and lean against it enticingly. 

Jay turns around as he slips on his tattered Converse shoes.

“You do realize you didn’t specify **who** was going to be on the receiving end of that anal, right?” you point out.

Jay’s eyes go wide as saucers.

You blow him a kiss and head for the shower. Jay tries to sputter a reply, but he fails adorably. You giggle before shouting over your shoulder.

“Better get some lube, Bauman!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SOOOOO so much for reading and commenting! I hope you enjoyed this piece. 
> 
> With my tumblr gone, I've felt kind of isolated from the thirsty RLM community. It's been kind of hard to stay motivated feeling like that. But it's meant the absolute world to me to see your comments here on my work. I've posted something every other day for nearly three weeks now!
> 
> If you'd like to include your own Red Letter Media fanfic to the challenge, please do! Email me at redlettermistress@gmail.com or stop by my new [secret tumblr](https://rlmfanfic.tumblr.com/) RLMFanFic. On to the next story!
> 
> _Imagine playing Junka with Jay. Both of you are just so competitive and the game is lasting for hours. You just keep taunting him about how he's gonna lose and you keep bending over in front of him, making his jaw clench that eventually he just says "FUCK this" and knocks the tapes over and just fucks you on the table. (Watching Blackspine part 3, thought of you ;)_


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